This afternoon I paid tribute to the first warm rain of the year, by cavorting through puddles in the streets of Chewelah. There's something about a warm rain, about getting soaked to the skin, which makes me happy like a lunatic child. And now my neighbors are probably even more thoroughly convinced than before of my state of insanity. However, I have come to the conclusion that people will scrutinize you whatever you do, so why not do or wear or be something worth their while? People watch the Kardashians. They also watch Cirque du Soleil. I'm pretty sure I know which one I'd rather be.
Growing up, I always thought that nobody noticed me. Not to pine, or say, "Oh poor me!" It was a simple fact in my mind. I did not think myself very noticeable, so I assumed that I was not noticed. Gradually, as I opened my eyes a bit more, I realized that I was noticed, not necessarily because I was noticeable, but because people will look at anything. Car wrecks or cathedrals...it doesn't really matter.
Aaron and I often walk about town. (A boring sentence, as walking about town is a perfectly normal thing to do.) But we are constantly amazed by the number of people who will go out of their way to stare at us...as in full-on neck-crane out the car window. Granted, sometimes we are doing strange things, but as often as not we're just...walking. No toilet paper stuck to our shoes, no disfiguring scars, no strange behavior...
So, for a while the realization that people watch you no matter what you do made me curl up inside myself, made me afraid to do anything that might seem unusual. Then, gradually, I came to the decision that if people are going to watch me anyway, I'd rather give them something interesting to look at. Don't misunderstand me. I still have inhibitions. Some fairly major ones. But I'd rather be the person you see traipsing through the puddles with a ridiculous smile on her face than the one hunched over with her head down. I'd rather be Cirque du Soleil than the Kardashians. I'd rather be a cathedral than a car wreck.